David Burns (I have more to say about this below)
Lately, I've been noticing a surge in facebook and twitter messages filled with quotes about happiness, how to be happy, loving ourselves, etc. This leads me to the conclusion that there are a lot of us feeling pretty bad.
Now, I know that it's winter and most of us have been deep in bad weather and therefore probably some amount of boredom along with the winter blues have set in. But, I think it's maybe more than that.
Or maybe that is exactly what has made us more aware of how unhappy we feel. We have nothing to do but think about how we feel and unfortunately for so many of us....that's not a good thing. Or maybe it is.......
Bottom line......we're already pretty unhappy and maybe NOW in the dead of winter is the perfect time to get to the bottom of it once and for all and to promise ourselves not to avoid it this time!!!!!!!!!
When we feel bad, our primary goal is to NOT FEEL BAD! Not necessarily to get to the bottom of WHY, but instead to just stop the sad feelings. Unfortunately this works as a road block to finding the real reason that we're sad.
We'll do almost anything to avoid it and avoiding is exactly what we do for survival (an inner setting that we automatically go to).
Be honest with yourself. Isn't that the truth? Don't we notice as soon as we start to feel bad and immediately go into avoidance mode? Maybe for some it's through food. Others it may be by getting busy in our lives so that we don't have the time or energy to feel it. Or maybe you medicate with drugs or liquor. Maybe you go on a spending spree. Maybe you go to work and stay there as long as possible every day. We'll do almost anything to avoid the feelings!
At this point you're probably feeling a little uncomfortable with this message and with your feelings. As I've mentioned before, I'm the same. I know because I would be too. I'd be curious to see what will be said but then also I'd feel a little uneasy with the same old message......
I started this post with a quote that I saw today on facebook. The reason that I chose this was because it made me think about something that is rarely mentioned and should be. There are loads of "it could be worse"
"only you can make yourself happy" "you deserve to be happy" messages thrown around and they are all truthful and good except for one thing. We still feel bad!
Most of us know that these messages are true but for various reasons we've been knocked off of our self esteem foundation.
When we read things like this or they are said to us, it only makes us feel less understood, more like our feelings aren't worthy and what's wrong with us that we're so sad when things could be worse? And more like failures because we can't seem to make ourselves happy OR we feel like giving up because we just can't even imagine doing more work to make ourselves happy. We're usually already exhausted from feeling bad in the first place.
In one of my earlier posts I referred to a quote that I hope is a bit different. It requires nothing......but opening your heart.
"You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" Buddha
I love this one because all we have to do is stop and think about it and then absorb it. Love feels good. It's the comfort that we're yearning for.
Ask yourself this.....do YOU believe that you deserve love? Not what have you been told, not what have you accepted, not what you have weighed yourself down with........
DO YOU DESERVE YOUR OWN LOVE?
It's simple really. Think of yourself as a child. Picture you at about 7 years old. Does that little boy or girl deserve to be loved? Each of us is still a little kid inside. Does that little boy or girl deserve YOUR LOVE?
Deep in your heart and soul, you know that they do. Would you just let them stand there feeling like that and tell them that they don't deserve to be loved? So why do we tell ourselves that we don't deserve it?
I know that if you're feeling bad inside, it's probably there for a reason. And you know (be honest with yourself) what the reason is. You had your self esteem stolen by someone or someones. You are probably thinking that other people deserve that love but not you. Maybe you wonder if you really are a bad person. Maybe you wonder if you are all the things that they have said (or not said) about you. Maybe they're right. WELL THAT"S WRONG!
Here's some evidence of that....... If you were a bad person, you wouldn't care what others say about you. You wouldn't care if you were right or wrong. You wouldn't listen to what is said because you would think that you're better than everyone else already. AND YOU WOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. The simple truth is that you feel bad because YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!
You have been so wounded and hurt that you have turned on yourself and now it's time to turn that around.
Whatever you are sad or unhappy about (I am sure) has a foundation of feeling bad about yourself in some form.
Now is the perfect time to look at that and just feel it. You know the reason/reasons that it's there. You know the truth deep inside. Instead of avoiding the bad feelings and rushing to have good ones......
just feel the hurt as long as you need to. It's ok. You can cry or yell or pray or (if you haven't already) tell someone. Most importantly, YOU need to just feel the pain. If you let yourself feel it, it will go away faster. You will be taking it's power away and that's a great feeling. YOU will have the power over it.
That little 7 year old (You) deserves to have you defend him/her. Whatever happened to you that has brought you to this place.....tell yourself that story only this time put that little girl or boy in the role of you. Did he/she deserve whatever happened? Do you understand why he/she feels bad? Does he/she deserve to feel the way that you do? Sometimes when you picture yourself as a child it can give you so much clarity about the situation.
You need to let yourself feel the hurt and without squelching it. It may take 10 minutes or it may take an evening, or it may take a week. Just feel the hurt and anger and it's ok to feel bad for yourself as well. I would recommend that you not sit in the hurt indefinitely. You'll know when you've had enough. Just don't allow yourself to push it down or rush it. This is not about what other people think or their approval. This is your first act of love for yourself and it opens the road to happiness and the restoring of your inner self.
It's a lot like when a little child falls down and gets hurt. We don't let them limp around and tell them to ignore the deep injury which would eventually cause them to get an infection etc. If you're a good loving parent you take care of the child and fix the wound. This is a good analogy maybe. The first thing we do is....
1. take care of checking out the child's injury (acknowledge the real story that has caused your wound in the first place and be honest about how bad it is)
2. we let the child cry and we comfort them until they feel better (let ourselves feel the pain and comfort ourselves while we do)
3. we clean the injury up and then bandage it ( clean out the hurt and lies that others have caused and begin to fill our hearts and minds with kind thoughts about ourselves. Also let's do something loving for ourselves. Maybe that would be a pedicure, a haircut, a movie, a night at the gym, a book, a show. Something that is a kindness to yourself and make this a regular routine)
4. We give them a big hug and a kiss and send them back to play (happily give yourself the love that you deserve
and let the wounds heal without going back to them. Head back to the life you were meant to live with a smile on your face)
Loving yourself does not mean that you will become selfish or conceited. I was worried about that because these 2 personality issues were present in all of the people that wounded me. I didn't want to be anything like them.
Loving yourself is different. It doesn't mean that you can do no wrong. It means that you are real and that love is your primary goal in life for yourself as well as others. It also makes you feel safer about showing love to others because you know that your own loving foundation is secure.
So in closing, all of the quotes about making ourselves happy are true but before we can hear them, we have to stop and feel the hurt. After that, making ourselves happy is pretty easy.
Love,
Kim
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